I USED TO BE FUNNIER

Good evening! Last night I was reading over my old blog. You can check it out HERE.

I realized a few things. I used to be funnier. I was more optimistic. I was full of hope. It got me thinking about what may or may not be wrong with me.

I'm almost twenty-four. My life is not what I thought or hoped it would be by now. I'm not sure if it's any worse. But, it's definitely not what I was expecting, or even hoping for.

Our experiences and choices make us what we are.

Since then, I've lost a lot, I've had my heart broken, people have let me down, I've failed. On the other hand, I've gained, I've loved, I've been inspired by people, I've won.

I just miss hoping for things. I want to hope again.

Things were a lot simpler when I was young. When you haven't been let down, or had your heart broken, you find it easy - life that is. I want to have a reckless enthusiasm and optimism that scares the people around me! Haha.

Ok, no more complaining. I'm done with that.

I determined three things that are going to help me get back to where I was in my younger days.

I am going to get plugged into a church again.

I am going to get into the best shape of my life.

I am going to get out of debt.

Reckless enthusiasm, here I come.

Hi, I'm a douche bag

Hi, I'm a douche bag.

I have a nice, bronze tan. Ask me how much it cost.

I like to wear pink button down shirts. No under shirt for me thank you. Please direct your attention to my necklace. It is a tribal design.

That's how you know I'm culturally intuitive and concerned, because my necklace is a tribal design. Aren't I deep?

It's impossible to tell that I got it from a mega-chain retail store in the mall. Right across from the little boutique where I get my seven dollar protein drinks - enhanced with B-12 and ginseng, of course.

My necklace is located in the area at the top of my pink button down shirt. You can't miss it, because I have the top three buttons undone. See my tan?

Oh, you noticed my hair cut. Well thank you, yes, yes it did cost a lot of money. I think it makes a statement.

I wear khaki's. They came with some holes in the leg, so I might trick you into thinking I got them in a fight, or rock climbing maybe. Sometimes you gotta pay a little extra for holes. I like to give complete strangers dirty looks as I walk by them. It's a hobby of mine. Oh, I also like to stare at people.

People who cut their own hair in their bathroom with a five year old pair of clippers, people who wear gray hoodies, people who didn't pay extra for the holes in their pants, shirts, shoes, underwear, and socks. I like to stare at these people and hate them. I don't know why. Who do they think they are?

Sometimes I wonder if I have a soul.

Then I remember that I drive an Escalade. So who cares?

I also have a goatee.

I remember when I was young, someone brought to my attention how chiseled my features are. I got into sports. I used to like art and playing the guitar, but you can't get laid with drawing.

Secretly I hate myself, and I question my sexuality. Oh well, I'll just hit my wife later.

Oh, my wife, right. I'm sitting here at ihop with my trophy wife.

She taught me the dirty looks thing.

We have a newborn baby. He or she is going to go to a school that is way too expensive, and get an education that will one day go on a resume, so he or she can go on to become a over privileged douche junior.

Now I'm going to make damn sure that everyone in this dirty place knows that I'm tipping my waiter twenty dollars.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a soul.

Then I remember, I'm a douche bag.