Hi, I'm a douche bag

Hi, I'm a douche bag.

I have a nice, bronze tan. Ask me how much it cost.

I like to wear pink button down shirts. No under shirt for me thank you. Please direct your attention to my necklace. It is a tribal design.

That's how you know I'm culturally intuitive and concerned, because my necklace is a tribal design. Aren't I deep?

It's impossible to tell that I got it from a mega-chain retail store in the mall. Right across from the little boutique where I get my seven dollar protein drinks - enhanced with B-12 and ginseng, of course.

My necklace is located in the area at the top of my pink button down shirt. You can't miss it, because I have the top three buttons undone. See my tan?

Oh, you noticed my hair cut. Well thank you, yes, yes it did cost a lot of money. I think it makes a statement.

I wear khaki's. They came with some holes in the leg, so I might trick you into thinking I got them in a fight, or rock climbing maybe. Sometimes you gotta pay a little extra for holes. I like to give complete strangers dirty looks as I walk by them. It's a hobby of mine. Oh, I also like to stare at people.

People who cut their own hair in their bathroom with a five year old pair of clippers, people who wear gray hoodies, people who didn't pay extra for the holes in their pants, shirts, shoes, underwear, and socks. I like to stare at these people and hate them. I don't know why. Who do they think they are?

Sometimes I wonder if I have a soul.

Then I remember that I drive an Escalade. So who cares?

I also have a goatee.

I remember when I was young, someone brought to my attention how chiseled my features are. I got into sports. I used to like art and playing the guitar, but you can't get laid with drawing.

Secretly I hate myself, and I question my sexuality. Oh well, I'll just hit my wife later.

Oh, my wife, right. I'm sitting here at ihop with my trophy wife.

She taught me the dirty looks thing.

We have a newborn baby. He or she is going to go to a school that is way too expensive, and get an education that will one day go on a resume, so he or she can go on to become a over privileged douche junior.

Now I'm going to make damn sure that everyone in this dirty place knows that I'm tipping my waiter twenty dollars.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a soul.

Then I remember, I'm a douche bag.

LIVING IN THE LIGHT AT TUNNEL'S END

It's 2009. How in the world did we let that happen?

I can't believe I graduated high school six years ago. Turning twenty three was difficult for me. I think this year will be greeted with much more optimism than the last.

You see, things have been changing for me - in really good ways. I've been on a journey for twelve days now. I'm trying to learn discipline. I'm trying to rely on something beyond myself to fill my cup, to restore me every moment of every day.

It's an understatement to say that things never turn out exactly how we think they might. I could have never predicted how my test of faith would go. I'm learning that there has to be time for everything - happiness, suffering, anger, joy.

It's all necessary.

The trick is to not set monumental goals for yourself. At least not until you have a good idea of who you are, and what you are capable of. Anyway, more on all of this later.

The band is back. Eric bought drums. Clark's back in the mix. We practice usually a few times a week. It's a slow start, and it's a long time coming, but it's something.

I've written a lot of new music. We're working out all the music. I've already been talking to Hank Charles about booking a week in the studio to record a full length album. I'm hoping that will happen sometime over the summer. If things keep going at this pace, we'll have an album out and be on the road touring by next fall or winter.

Band names are sill up in the air, I'm leaning toward The New West. Let me know what you think.

LET IT BEGIN

Well here we are. Where to begin?

I've had an interesting summer. I've been too busy, or too lazy, to write anything in a while.

A few months ago I was at IHOP with my roommates. We met a nice young man named Mikhail. As it turned out, he was here in the states from Russia with three of his friends - Alexi, Victor, and Artem. We have had the honor of showing these guys a good time this whole summer.

A few weeks ago, Mikhail caught a bus to New York and grabbed the next flight back to mother Russia. And last Saturday I had the grim duty of taking Victor to get another bus, so he could go home as well. And then there were two.

Alexi and Artem will be leaving in October back to their homeland. They will be missed dearly.

About a month ago I went to Louisville, Kentucky to audition for  American Idol. I hit the road with my mom and brother, waited in a line for ten hours with twenty thousand people to sing for ten seconds. Well at least I can say I did that now. Go me. It was a great time, I got to spend some much needed time with my family. I love both of them. Very much.

When I got back, my friend James almost tore off my little toe nail with his shoe, by accident. This was mere days before I was to head off to Mexico for about nine days. When I got to Mexico, I got sick. Very sick. Despite my illness, Mexico was amazing. I got to spend a little time with some old friends, and I got to lead worship in Spanish with some locals.

I was sick for four days after I got back to the states. About two weeks in total.

When I got back to my house in Oklahoma City I re-injured an old knee injury - hyper-extending my LCL and ACL.

Imagine blinding, nightmare pain. Like blinding white light.

So, there I was on my crutches, in my knee immobilizer, juiced up on twenty-four hundred milligrams of pain killers a day, when I lost my keys.

Things just kept getting better.

So then I found out I couldn't go back to Hillsdale, my college, this semester due to financial and other reasons, so I decided to go to the local community college for my tenth semester toward a bachelor's degree. I'm taking a second victory lap. In the long run it's a good move because I will be able to knock out the gen-ed courses that I've been putting off for a long time.

My friend Sonja agrees to give me a lift to the school so I can get enrolled. The day we were supposed to go, her back left tire is destroyed.

If anyone is noticing a pattern here, let me know, because I have yet to figure it out.

And here I am, a week after I finally got up there, and I'm still fighting through the endless web of red tape keeping me from moving forward with anything productive in my life. I'm just now to the point where I might be able to get back to work - standing on this leg is harder than I let on.

So there you go. That's the what's what with Dan. I sort of lied when I said I hadn't figured it out yet. I'm beginning to. Someone is testing me. I'm trying to endure. You know me, I'm looking for the lesson to be learned, but this one is proving to be most elusive.

I'm slowly becoming the man I want to be. The one I need to be.

This has been one of those summers. I couldn't have predicted it. I couldn't have planned it. It just happened. Relationships started. Relationships ended. I recorded new songs. Deas Vail and Coin Laundry Loser played in my dining room. These are the days you live for. Each one of them.

My hot summer blood comes in floods and in waves.

I want to inspire people. With music. With acting. I want to be strong enough to shoulder the burden of my friends lives on my back - although I will always need people to support me. I'm learning that.

Ok, that's all I have to say right now.

If you haven't seen The Dark Knight yet, do that tomorrow. I don't think I put anything on here about Heath Ledger when he died, I was busy grieving. I saw a biography about him recently. I have truly been inspired. I want to take some things more seriously.

If I ever leave this world alive, I'll take on all the sadness that I left behind.

THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD

Things are good.

As things generally seem to go, nothing turns out exactly how you had thought it might. Now, this is not necessarily a bad thing, in fact it often is something very positive. Either way, it's almost never the way we imagine things going.

Not better. Not worse. Just, different.

You may hear me say that I am a work in progress. This is because I am growing up, still. I make mistakes, and I learn things every day.

I learn these things through trial and error, you know, the scientific method.

This point is most readily illustrated by a recent reunion with an old friend. This friend is, and always has been very close to me, I would say she knows me better than most people, save a few. Due to circumstances and choices, it had been nearly two years since I had seen her.

As often happens, the distance and time you put between two people can make it more difficult to bring them back together, despite how badly you might think you want it. This is one of the great mysteries and paradoxes of life.

In my experience, there are many, many more.

Finally, the day had come. We met up for some coffee and some talk. To be honest, I was very nervous. But there she was, just as if we had never parted. Thankfully, the awkwardness left us quickly, and the entire experience was great.

It is difficult to see someone who you have not seen in nearly two years. As I later found out, I wasn't the only one who was nervous. And I must admit, the distance you put between yourselves tends to be nurtured and strengthened by the separated. Perhaps we are afraid we have changed or they have changed, and we won't recognize each other. Perhaps we are afraid that the idea of the other person that we hold in our minds doesn't have their flaws - that we have remembered them incorrectly.

Perhaps we are afraid.

Well, lesson learned. If you want something, don't let your fears get in the way. I did it, and I'm glad I did.

This brings me to the second lesson I've learned recently.

So, one year ago, some friends and I went to Rhema to listen to some music and watch some fireworks.

As many of you know, last summer was amazing. Every day was spent waking up late from the night before, finding out what the plan for the evening was, and setting out into the unknown. That was the summer.

Today is the day. Exactly one year ago, to the day, was one of those landmark moments in an era - one of those occasions that you will later reminisce about, no matter how certain you are that you shouldn't ever reminisce but rather look forward.

Live in the moment.

That's why I'm going to stop writing about what happened a year ago, and focus on what I can do today that will make this summer more memorable than last.

Sometimes you just have to learn these things the hard way. But if you make it stick, it's worth it.

QUARTER LIFE CRISIS

The other night at about two in the morning, I found myself in the back yard. I was in my black shorts with the huge hole in the crotch, holding the raging water hose above my head with my thumb over the top to make it rain down on me, saying "I am the master of my fate. I am the ruler of my own destiny. This is my life. And right now is the beginning of the rest of it. I claim this as my own."

God, I must have looked insane.

Sometimes you have to be able to laugh at yourself.

I'm on the verge of something. Something big. Really big. I won't go into detail right now, but I will say this: I need your prayers, and I need your encouragement, no matter how vague.

More to follow.

SUMMER READING

" There was something formless and perfect
before the universe was born.
It is serene. Empty.
Solitary. Unchanging.
Infinite. Eternally present.
It is the mother of the universe.
For lack of a better name,
I call it the Tao.

It flows through all things,
inside and outside, and returns
to the origin of all things.

The Tao is great.
The universe is great.
Earth is great.
Man is great.
These are the four great powers.

Man follows the earth.
Earth follows the universe.
The universe follows the Tao.
The Tao follows only itself." -Lao Tzu

From "Tao Teh Ching", 500BC

CURTAIN CALL

This afternoon was bitter sweet. The curtain opened, we did a little song and a little dance, and the curtain closed, figuratively. And that was the story of my eighteenth stage performance.

I recall sitting backstage and thinking "how many people get to be doing this today?" "is there anything I would rather be doing this Sunday afternoon?" "How lucky am I that I get to take part in something like this?"

Only three weeks ago, I walked into a basement dance studio to begin rehearsal for "Merrily We Roll Along." I took my shoes off and walked in, script in hand, ready for whatever. I met a lot of new people who would be like a second family for the next three weeks. The work was hard. The nights were long. The music was difficult. The choreography was intense. But, in the end it was all worth it.

Now I'd like to recount my experiences on stage so far. Some of this stuff is so old, I actually had to find my resume to remember the names of some of the characters. So, here goes.

How Santa Got His Groove Back.
In the 4th grade I played Santa Claus in a school musical. This was my very first experience on the stage, and I have to say, that play really stuck with me, no matter how embarrassing it was to me for a while.

The Wizard of Oz
In high school I played the Cowardly Lion. This is where I met my best friend James Reza. We always joke about this show. He really wanted the role of the lion, and was certain that whoever got cast as the Tin man was going to have to be a "total fruit." Ironically he was cast as the Tin man.

A Typically Atypical Day
This was my very first straight play. I played a wannabe-terrorist from the fictional land of The People's Republic of Puerto Nino named Carlos Ortega. This was the first time to be joined on stage by my cousin Eric Harris.

David and Lisa
While I was in high school, Eric, James, and I joined a local theater troupe called Youth Onstage. This was a great chapter in my life. This was my first experience in theater outside the school walls. I played David's Father.

Curtain Going Up
This was the second production with Youth Onstage in which I was involved. I played a janitor named Tony. This show was in danger of not happening, as one character was never cast. Luckily Eric came along and saved the day.

Quoth Ms. Raven, 'Nevermore'
Youth Onstage did a mystery dinner theater with this little show. I played The Gardener. This show was written by the director's mother.

The Sound of Music
Back at the good ol' high school, I did another musical. I played Max Detwiler. I really had a great time with this role. I always loved the movie, and specifically I loved the character of Max. I always thought he was interesting - devious yet lovable, mysterious yet harmless. I had a great time playing with the on-stage chemistry between him and the captain played by James.

Annie
I played Daddy Warbucks in a production of Annie. This was a mixed cast of junior and senior high students. I was probably the first incarnation of Oliver Warbucks to not sport a shaved head!

The Playroom
This show signaled a huge step up for me. This would be my last production with Youth Onstage. For this show, Youth Onstage was approved for a grant, and we got to do this show at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center. For me, this was HUGE. I finally felt like I was doing some real theater. This show was a very heavy drama about a kidnapping. I played David Michaels.

Heaven or Hell (2 seasons)
During high school, I did this church play in which I played the character Satan two years in a row. It sounds very simple, but I actually learned a lot, had a good time, and got to wear awesome makeup which I designed myself.

Arsenic and Old Lace
College. I moved to Oklahoma City and enrolled in a small private college called Hillsdale. I didn't waste any time and jumped right into the theater department as Reverend Harper in this play. This was my first production to work with director Joshua Harris, who I would go on to work with on six more productions.

Our Town
This was the second production at Hillsdale I did. I took one semester off and jumped right back in as Dr. Frank Gibbs in this show. During this show, I really started growing as an actor, this is where I started taking my craft seriously.

The Odd Couple
Still at Hillsdale, this was my very first lead role in college. I played Oscar Madison. I had a great time working with a great ensemble and working with my counterpart, a Canadian named Colin Miles.

All In The Timing
This show was a new experience. It was a collection of one-acts by David Ives. This was the first show I did made up of separate comedic scenes. I played characters named Joe, Charley, and Pablo.

Improv
Once again, I had a new experience and set of acting skills under my belt. This time I took the stage as myself in an improv scenario. In this show I, along with my fellows, played improv games using information contributed by the audience.

Twelve Angry Men
This was my sixth play at Hillsdale under Josh Harris. I stretched myself to portray the roll of Juror Number Three.

Merrily We Roll Along
I took the stage alongside Eric Harris and under Josh Harris as a big shot Broadway producer named Joe Josephson. This was my first musical in five years. This also marked an important transition in my acting career, in very much the same way I felt being in the Tulsa Performing Arts Center for the first time, because we did this show at Lyric Theatre at the Plaza. That was the closest I had been to professional theater.

I realized today that I really like acting. It's hard work, no matter what anyone says, it's very hard work, but it's totally worth it. I've grown to accept that whatever I end up doing with my life, be it music, acting, writing, or film making - it will be something that I day dream about.

I stood in awe as we were striking the set. I realized the amazing thing about theater is this - it's life, it's real, it's raw, it's always new, and if you weren't there in the moment, if you weren't there to experience it when it happens the first time, then you can never really know what it was like. It's not a movie, you can't just pop it back in and watch it again. It captures a story and a moment the same way we capture the moments in our lives that we want to hold on to forever.

It's something beautiful.